


even the strongest pillars crack

by witchee_writer



Category: The Dark Artifices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: And not nearly as put together as he likes to make everyone think, Angst, Family Feels, Gen, Julian is stressed, blackthorn family - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27096226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchee_writer/pseuds/witchee_writer
Summary: It wasn't that Tiberius hadn't had a meltdown before, that he hadn't yelled at Julian. The things is, this time it was different. Or at least, Julian was different. Maybe it was because Mark was back and Julian wasn't quite sure what he was meant to do now he was no longer the oldest, or maybe it had, after so many years, gotten to be too much. Either way, none of them expected Julian to leave.
Relationships: Drusilla Blackthorn & Julian Blackthorn, Julian Blackthorn & Emma Carstairs, Julian Blackthorn & Livia Blackthorn, Julian Blackthorn & Mark Blackthorn, Julian Blackthorn & Octavian Blackthorn, Julian Blackthorn & Tiberius Blackthorn
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	even the strongest pillars crack

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry for the angst, but I'm also not. I think I only wrote this because I wanted Blackthorn family angst but I couldn't be bothered to go and find it. There may be some mistakes, I often miss them when re-reading so I apologise in advance!

"Why did you do that?" yelled Tiberius, his face scrunched up in anger. Julian stood there, his face unreadable, his eyes deceptively calm. "I hate you! Mark was only trying to help, you're always so mean to him. At least he is fun! At least he doesn't scold us and nag us and tell us what to do all the time."

A horrible quiet fell over the room, Tavvy's eyes were wide and scared, Drusilla was frozen in the corner of the room. Even if Livvy disagreed with her brother, she didn't say anything. She folded her arms over her chest defiantly, her eyes fixed on Julian. Her silence was just as brutal as her brother's words. 

Emma could only watch it all unfold like a horror movie. 

She should have defended Julian but her tongue was stuck, all she could see was his emotionless face, the nothingness in his gaze, perhaps if she looked further she would see his heart shattering in his chest. Emma wanted to cry but she knew the damage had already been done. 

"Tiberius, that's enough," said Mark. This was one of those times when he sounded like the old Mark, the older brother. Julian didn't even look his way, his eyes flickered over his younger siblings. 

"No, it's true!" shouted Ty, his voice wavering as if the more he looked at his older brother, the more his resolve began to fail him. "He doesn't realise that we can look after ourselves, that we don't need his help all the time!"

Julian's eyes flashed and Emma held her breath. For a moment, the briefest moment, she saw all the pain in his eyes. It was so quick she doubted anyone else saw the extent of it, but Emma did. She saw him broken and hurt, she saw his self-loathing, his fears, his devastation and she wanted to reach out and wrap him in her arms, hide him from all of his siblings. She knew they didn't realise what they were doing to him, how hard this had all been on him, how scared he was of all the things they were saying to him, of losing them. He had sacrificed everything for them, _everything_. 

Perhaps before Mark had returned home Julian would have been able to handle a situation like this, it certainly wasn't the first time. Ty had lashed out at him before, he was a teenager and it was no secret that he could be overwhelmed sometimes. Julian knew it best, Julian handled it best. But not this time. This had been building up for days, Emma had felt it and it was only a matter of time before her parabatai cracked. His siblings didn't know that though, Julian had never cracked before. 

"Jules-" started Emma, carefully. 

He moved, almost mechanically. He no longer met the eyes of his brothers and sisters, "Clean up this mess," he said, his voice hoarse. Julian snatched up the keys from the counter, "Or don't, do what you like. Mark's in charge now."

"Julian, I do not think I can," tried Mark, but he was ignored. Julian moved past him, without looking back. "Little brother, where are you going?" 

Emma started, her mind focused on one single thing. Her parabatai. It wasn't like him to storm out, it wasn't like him to ignore the children. 

Tavvy started to cry, calling out for his brother but not even that made Julian pause. Emma had to run to catch up to him but by then Julian was already out the front doors and climbing into the car. He slammed the doors closed and when Emma reached the passenger side to hop in next to him, she realised he had locked the doors. "Jules-" He didn't look at her, his hardened eyes were fixed on the road ahead as he started the car. She knocked on the window. "Jules, let me in. Where are you going to go?" 

He didn't answer her and Emma banged on the window harder. If she had to break in she would, she didn't like the thought of him storming out alone. Julian wasn't the type to be reckless, but he also wasn't the type to leave his family behind. Or her. He wasn't supposed to leave her behind either. Julian put his foot down and Emma stumbled as the car sped out of the drive, dust flying behind him. Emma coughed and tried to go after him but it was too late, he was gone. 

* * *

Emma was seething, she could barely see straight she was so angry. How could they say such things? She knew Ty didn't always think before he spoke, that he didn't always _understand_ but Julian had done everything for him over the years, gotten everything he had ever needed or wanted, protected him from the outside world. He should have known better, he should never have said he hated him.

The sound of Tavvy's cries filled her ears, screaming, calling for Julian. Drusilla was trying to calm him but nothing she did made a difference. Mark was with her, but Tavvy didn't want either of them, he wanted Julian. 

"What's going on?" asked Cristina. She looked at her worriedly, as if she were about to explode. Maybe she was, Emma felt a bit like she could explode. Livvy hovered next to Ty, remaining steadfastly by her brother. 

"Where's Julian?" asked Dru, her voice shaking. She had tears in her eyes, and Emma took a deep breath, some of the rage inside her subsiding. 

"He left," said Emma, her voice cold. She glared at Ty and Livvy glared back at her in his place, always protective, always a shield to her twin. 

"Well, he wasn't wrong!" she said. 

"No?" she said, incredulously. "He wasn't wrong to say that he hated Julian? That you don't need his help? That all he is is boring? You think Jules wanted to be those things, Livia? He does everything for all of you, he has ever since he was twelve, younger then you both are now. He has had to be more your father then your brother and you think he likes that? You think he likes having to scold you and not have fun with you? He does it because someone has too, because he is the only one that could!" Emma could feel her voice rising and she knew Julian wouldn't have wanted her too but she couldn't help it. "He loves you all so much, even knowing how hard it is, even knowing everything he would have to sacrifice you all know he would do it again and again if he had too. He'd rather die then let anything happen to any of you and he knows you're all growing up but if he can protect you he will! But what has he ever got in return? That you would prefer Mark to him?"

"Emma, I think they get it," said Cristina, softly. 

She looked around the kitchen, Livia was glaring at the ground, tears in her eyes, Ty's hands twitched at his sides, his face paler then usual. Dru was sniffling now too, trying to calm Tavvy and still unable to do so. Emma sighed, deeply. 

"He's not as strong as he tries to make you guys believe," she whispered. "If you say you don't need his help anymore then why can't you help him? Do the dishes without being asked, clean your room, actually come down for dinner. Little things that make it all easier for him. You want him to treat you like adults but why would he when you all still act like children?" She glanced at Dru and Tavvy. "Or still are children." 

"D-do you think Jules will be back soon?" asked Drusilla, her voice vaguely hopeful. 

Emma wished she could have said yes but honestly, she had no idea. Julian had never done something like this before, she didn't know what he would do. 

"He has too," said Ty. "Tomorrow is Friday, it's pancake day."

"Maybe we'll have to skip pancake day tomorrow, Ty-Ty," said Emma, calmer then she expected herself to be. It was as if the anger had been washed away. She couldn't be angry at them for too long, because she knew Julian wouldn't be (and wouldn't want her to be). 

Tavvy's head snapped up, his eyes red, his cheeks wet. "No!" he yelled. 

"Tav-"

He tore himself away from Drusilla, "No! Jules will come back he has too." He turned an angry look to Ty. "If he doesn't it'll be your fault!" And with that, he ran off. 

Emma could feel herself sighing again. She wished she could have gone after Julian, but she knew he didn't want her too. Emma could feel it deep in her heart, that desperation to be alone. Emma just hoped he would come home soon, that he wouldn't do anything foolish. 

His family needed him, Emma needed him.

* * *

Julian didn't come back for pancake day. 

A wave of concern rippled through the entire family as they all gathered for breakfast and realised that Julian still hadn't come home. Cristina offered to make pancakes for them but none of them wanted her pancakes, they wanted the ones their brother usually made. He knew exactly how each of them preferred them, sometimes he would make them how Dru liked them, or Ty, or Livvy, or Tavvy- he never made them how he liked them. 

Tavvy burst into tears again and ran up the stairs to his room, it was Cristina that went after him this time. He had cried through the night, he hadn't eaten very much for dinner and now he'd had nothing for breakfast. None of them quite knew how to make it better for him. 

Emma had offered to take him up to Julian's studio but Tavvy didn't want to go there unless his brother was there. Emma couldn't blame him, she felt the same. 

"He will come home, right?" asked Dru, looking around at her family with wide, questioning eyes. Nobody answered her, they didn't know if they could. Emma wanted to say yes, that there was no way he could leave them behind but recently, even their relationship had been strained. A sliver of fear shot through her, what if he never came back? What if he ran away and Emma never saw him again? He wouldn't do that to her, right? They were parabatai but what if all the pain he felt drowned out the rest, drowned out the connection they had?

"He has too," said Livvy, quietly. "H-he wouldn't leave us." 

"He just needs time," said Mark, firmly. "He will return when he is ready." 

"Do you think he'll hate me?" asked Ty, his voice small. He sounded so young, like a boy that was lost. 

"Of course not," said Livvy, grabbing his hand. "He could never hate you!" 

"But I said I hated him." 

"He'll know you didn't mean it!" 

Ty looked around the room until his gaze firmly landed on Emma. "He'll know I don't hate him, right?" 

Her heart clenched and Emma desperately wished she could lie as well as Julian could, that she could smooth her face over and none of them would know any different. "I'm sure he knows that, Ty," she said. 

He didn't look convinced and honestly, she didn't feel convinced. Julian could think they all hated him for all she knew. Maybe he thought that they all wanted Mark to look after them and not him. Maybe he would even think that they would trade him to the faeries for Mark, that he was that disposable. Through the night she had felt his anger flare, his adrenaline soar. She didn't know what he was doing, she didn't know if he was hurt, she would only know if it was serious but if he was out there hunting demons or getting into fights, she wouldn't know unless he told her. Especially since it was clear that he didn't want her to know, that he didn't want the help. 

"You're lying," said Ty, his voice thick with emotion. Tears shone in his dark eyes and Emma cringed. It was clear how much he missed and needed Julian. 

"I'm not-"

"You don't think he knows that I don't hate him." 

Emma sighed, "Ty, let's not do this now." 

"Does he think we all hate him?" asked Dru, suddenly. 

"I don't know-"

"But you're his parabatai!" said Livvy. 

"Yes, and sometimes he keeps things even from me," snapped Emma. "Look, I can't answer your questions when I don't know the answer. I know he doesn't hate any of you, I know he loves and cares about all of you. I don't think that whatever he is feeling will be strong enough to stop him from coming home, he just needs time to let off some steam, okay?"

"So we wait," said Ty. "What if something happens to him?" 

"Nothing is going to happen to him, I promise." 

* * *

Julian didn't return for four days. 

Emma was about ready to go out there and find him, drag him back whether he liked it or not. The children were going out of their mind with concern, Mark was stressed, Emma could barely function knowing that Julian was out there on his own, not thinking straight. Julian didn't even respond to his phone, not even Diana had been able to get into contact with him and then finally, _finally_ he came back to them. 

Emma felt all of her stress, all of her anxiety leave her at once when she saw Julian in the kitchen, silently preparing dinner. Her legs turned to jelly and she had to hold onto the door frame for support. She knew he had felt closer, she had been monitoring their bond so closely she knew he was nearby. 

"Emma, can you tell everyone dinner is ready?" asked Julian, his voice steady. He didn't look at her, didn't even glance at her. There was a bandage on his hand, scratches on his face and Emma could see bruising around his neck but he didn't mention it, and she supposed she wasn't meant too either. Was he carrying worse injuries beneath his clothes? Where had he been? Was he okay? He didn't seem ready to share just yet. 

"Jules-" 

There was a sob and when she finally managed to tear her eyes away from her parabatai, she realised the entire family had appeared. There was a hint of relief in Mark's eyes when he met her gaze, the rest of the children on the other hand were wary. All except Octavian, who rushed forward and tackled Julian around the legs, hugging him tightly. 

"Where have you been," he mumbled, hiding his face away. Tavvy had been crying every day that Julian had been gone. "We thought you wouldn't come back." 

Julian turned quickly, kneeling down in front of his baby brother. Emma could see his face better now, there were dark circles under his eyes and he looked thin and drawn, but still his features softened in front of Octavian, his eyes became warm. "Octavian Blackthorn, did you really think I wouldn't come?" He smiled, ruffling his hair. "I'm sorry for worrying you but it's all okay now. Come on, you can help me with dinner, okay?" In one swift moment, Julian had lifted Tavvy up and placed him on the counter. He brushed away his tears and handed him a wooden spoon. "Stir this for me, okay?" 

Julian turned back to the dinner he was cooking, without looking their way. A heavy cloud of awkwardness fell over them as Emma edged into the room further, studying Julian. His gaze flicked her way, silent but knowing. The cuts on his face looked worse now that she was closer, but they didn't seem to bother him. As he moved, Emma was certain that he was favoring one leg but he tried to hide it as best he could. They would all see it though, they knew him too well and something like that was too difficult to hide. "Jules-" she started, again. 

"Later," he said, under his breath. "Just leave it for now, Em, _please_." 

Emma sighed, but relented to him just this once. She knew he was hiding behind his mask again, she knew everything was not all okay but at the same time Tavvy sat close to them, engrossed in stirring the food, most of his tears dried up but still sniffing every now and again. Mark hovered at the edge of the room, silently watching over everything. This was the most relaxed he had been in days, as he stood there his eyes fixed on Julian. He would have seen the injuries he carried, filed them away to speak about later. 

"Dru," called Julian, "Can you please get me some butter from the fridge?"

Drusila started, but nodded quickly and went straight for the fridge. Emma caught the twins glance at each other, Ty seem to steel himself as he shuffled into the room, closer to Julian. Julian didn't look at him, barely paid him any mind but when he was cooking dinner, that was hardly strange. 

"J-Julian?" said Ty, carefully. 

"Yes, Ty?" he said, his voice unchanged. It was calm, no one would have known that he had been missing for four days unless they had been there for it. 

"I'm sorry... for what I said." Ty's voice was filled with anxiety, he hovered an arm's length away from Julian.

Julian glanced at him, "Don't apologise, you don't need too," he said. 

Ty frowned, his eyes flickering back to Livvy whose eyes shimmered with concern. Mark had straightened up, he may not have been back long but he knew Julian should have been teaching Ty a lesson, not letting him off. 

"But," started Ty, "I was mean, I said-" 

"I know what you said," said Julian. "Can you please set the table for me? Dinner is almost ready." 

"But-"

"You too, Livvy, you can help." 

It was very clear that Julian didn't want to talk about it. It was also very clear that Julian didn't want to hear any excuses, he seemed to have made his mind up on what he had heard. Ty sighed but did as he was asked and went to help his sister. Emma tried to catch Julian's gaze but he had turned all his attention back to the food. This wasn't going to smooth over easily, this wasn't an argument that was about to be forgotten. Julian might have been happy to pretend that nothing had ever happened but no one else was. 

They didn't want this to happen again, they didn't want to hurt him and have him leave because next time, he might not come back. 

* * *

"He's still angry with me," said Ty, mournfully. "He won't let me say I'm sorry." 

Julian had taken Tavvy up to his studio to unwind, Emma knew he would be asleep in a matter of minutes. He had hardly slept at all with Julian gone, though he wasn't the only one. They had all had restless nights, they had all been filled with worry. Emma didn't know what she could do to make all of this better. 

"He's being stubborn," said Emma. "If he won't let you say you're sorry, then make sure he knows that you love him instead. Things will go back to normal." 

"I want them to be normal now, not in time," said Ty. 

"All actions have consequences," said Mark, knowingly. "This is ours, for not paying enough attention to Julian." 

"You haven't been here," said Livvy, with a wave of her hand. 

Mark nodded, "This is true, but I have been too concerned with myself, with my own suffering, to really notice his. I also have not been a good brother when I should have been." 

"Do you really think we can fix this?" question Dru, her eyes still red from all the crying. As soon as Julian had taken Tavvy upstairs she had burst into tears both in relief and sadness. 

"Of course we can, he's our brother," said Livvy, firmly. 

* * *

"Jules?" said Ty, at breakfast. He stood at the stove, helping his brother cook pancakes. 

"Yes, Ty?" 

"I love you." 

For a moment, his perfect facade cracked and pain flashed across his face but all of it was smothered away once more. He looked over at Ty and smiled, "I know you do, Ty." 

Ty frowned, his eyes narrowed as he studied his brother. "I don't think you do." He flipped a pancake, his mouth set into a determined line. "I will make sure that changes." 

"Ty-" 

"We all will." 

Julian stared at him for a moment longer before he sighed and turned away. "How do you want the pancakes today? Just right?" 

Ty moved quickly, ignoring breakfast and wrapping his arms around Julian, his grip tight. "Don't leave us again, okay?" he said, quietly. "We need you." 

Julian froze before placing a hand on top of his head and stroking his hair, lightly. "I won't," he said, softly. Without breaking his hold, Julian took the spatula from his brother and flipped the other pancakes. 

Ty pulled away, "I'm going to let everyone else know that breakfast is almost ready," he said, and raced away. Julian watched him go with an unreadable expression. 

He was still hurting, Emma knew that much. She could feel it and she could see it, but being home was what was best for him. It would get better, he would see how much they all adored him, how much they had all missed him, how much they needed him. As long as he was home, everything would be okay. 

It would, Emma was sure it would. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comment if you enjoyed! :)


End file.
